Relationships have different colors. Some have a terrific start but
fade away suddenly. Others have to rough it out in the beginning but
make it through fine. Why do some relationships last while others die
off? What is the secret sauce that makes a long lasting relationship?
According to Psychologist John Gottman,
who has spent the last 40 years of his life conducting research on
couples, most marriages that result in divorce are not because of major
differences in opinion but rather the inability to communicate differing
opinions in a cordial manner. Also, many people try to change their
partner’s personality according to their own wishes rather than
accepting them as they are.
Research Method
Dr. John Gottman’s research methods include analyzing couples in a home-like setting which he calls the
Love Lab, where they talk to each other about everyday things or argue. “In
the Love Lab, researchers claim they can predict with 91% accuracy
whether a couple will thrive or fail after watching and listening to
them for just five minutes“. The video cameras record not only the
manner in which couples interact but also their reactions. Based on
observations made about hundreds of couples over a period of 40 years,
the researchers at the Relationship Research Institute are
able to identify the signs that show if a couple is in a long lasting
relationship. Read on to find out more about how the researchers’
findings can be used to help your relationship.
Findings
“What can make a marriage work is
surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or
more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives,
they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and
feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming
their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent
marriage.” – Dr. John Gottman, The Relationship Research Institute
Here are the 5 signs that show that you are in a long lasting relationship:
1. You are courteous to each other
You
talk to each other in a way that is cordial and friendly. You treat
your partner as your equal. When you speak to each other in a manner
that reflects respect, this fosters a long lasting relationship.
2. You complain, but you do not criticize
Your
complaints have an “I” tone rather that a “You” tone. You do not take
complaints against each other to another level and start saying critical
statements about your partner’s character or personality. You
understand that forgetting to pay the rent on time means that there is
an opportunity to work on time management skills, rather than thinking
they are a failure.
3. You are not contemptuous towards each other
You
speak to each other in the language of love. Name calling, sneering,
eye-rolling and hurtful comments are not a part of your daily
conversations. You understand that the words you do not like to hear
from your partner, you should also not say to them.
4. You do not put each other down
You
focus on conflict resolution in an amicable manner. You understand that
conflicts are not a battleground to establish your power over one
another, but an opportunity to hear out a perspective that is different
than your own. When differences in opinions emerge, you remind each
other that you are a team and you are on each other’s side.
5. You do not ignore each other
You
acknowledge each other’s feelings and hear out each other’s
frustrations. You do not use silent treatment to ignore what your
partner has to say, especially after a confrontation.
Comments
Post a Comment