How to Know When and How to Say NO

Knowing when to say no takes skill and practice. Learning these skill can help keep you safe, build and maintain strong and healthy relationships, and be able to identify the best opportunities that come your way while ignoring things that are a waste of your time and talents. In order to know when to say no, it is important to learn more about your personal limits as well as to understand how to identify opportunities that are too good to be true.

 

  1/  Reflect on your personal boundaries. 

A boundary is the line between what is OK and what is not OK. Consider your physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. Physical boundaries involve privacy, space, and your body. This may be dictated both by your personal preferences and philosophies, your culture, and things such as your faith.

  • For example, what kinds of activities you are willing to engage in on a first date. One person may be only comfortable with a kiss, while another is eager for more. (One is not better or worse than another, just different.)
  • Boundaries can change. Time, circumstances, and so on can change what a person's boundaries are one way or another.
  • Emotional boundaries are where you set the line between your responsibility for your own feelings versus others’ feelings. Mental boundaries involve your thoughts, values, and opinions  
  • You might find it helpful to write down your thoughts and feelings about your personal boundaries. Then you can return to the list in the future to help you make difficult decisions.  

2/ Reflect on any times where you have said "yes" but regretted it.

 Take time to write down or otherwise reflect upon any times in the past that you have gone beyond what makes you feel comfortable. Ask yourself about the people involved and the situations where these things happened. Examining past events this way can help you to make better choices next time.               

3 / Listen to your feelings. 

  Your feelings have a great deal to tell you about where you should set your limits. Anything that makes you feel resentment or discomfort should raise a red flag for you. Sometimes anger, too, can be the result of going beyond your personal limits. If a situation or personal interaction makes you feel resentful or a level of discomfort that is not reasonable, then ask yourself what is causing that feeling. Do 

  •  You feel taken advantage of or not appreciated? Are you responding that way because of someone else’s expectations about you? Feelings of resentment and discomfort can both be signals that you are not setting limits where you should  .
           

4 / Give yourself permission to stay within your self-defined limits.

   Many people who are learning about their own limits so they can know when to say no find that they experience feelings like self-doubt, fear, and guilt. Remember that it is not selfish to say no, and that saying no can be a way to take care of your health and well-being

5/ Try a "boundary building" exercise.

These exercises can help you see what having "strong but flexible" boundaries – what experts say are the best kind – feels like. Psychologists have developed exercises you can use to help visualize your boundaries are so that you will know the right times to say no.
  • Choose a type of boundary you are interested in exploring – mental, physical, or emotional. Focus on this type of boundary while you do this exercise.
  • Close your eyes and imagine you are in the middle of a circle you have drawn around yourself. Make the circle as big or small as you want – give yourself the amount of space that feels best for you.
  • Imagine your circle turning into a wall. Make your imaginary wall out of anything you like – thick glass, grey cement, bricks and mortar – just make sure that your wall is strong.
  • Now imagine yourself having the power to be in control of the wall. You can melt a temporary hole to let something in or out, you can open a tiny window, or you can pull a brick out of the wall to make an opening. Think about being in control of your wall, and about being safe and powerful inside the circle you have built.
  • Stay inside the wall for one minute.
  • Repeat the exercise once a day .

6/ Practice saying no.

  Knowing when to say no takes time and practice, and over time you can learn to hone your skills so that you are better able to recognize the situations where you can and should say no. Practice saying no clearly so that the person you are speaking to isn’t confused and thinks you will say yes later. Give a brief but clear reason for saying no, and be honest rather than using an excuse. 
  •  Be respectful when you say no – you can let the person or organization know that you value them and what they are doing but that you are not able to do what they ask.
 

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